Have you ever lay there in bed at night wondering if your parents, your partner or your children love you? Have you ever felt love slip through your fingers as you watch a friend distance herself from you? Have you ever had that ‘sick’ feeling as you feel your Mum or Dad have let you down just when you needed them most?
Feeling unloved can be absolutely crushing; it’s more than just feeling sad; it’s desperate and heartbreaking. Can you relate to this? I’ve been there…….lying wide awake at night just wondering how on earth I can ‘make’ my mother love me in a way I want to be loved – why does she continue to ignore me, not recognise my efforts, not give praise for my achievements, not hug me, carry on working when I need her to just listen to me, why does she talk to everyone else BUT me, why can’t she just love me the way I want to be loved?
That’s the key, right there; I want to be loved in a way my mother was unable to love me as she was totally unaware of what I wanted from her. After all, why should she know what I really want I’ve never even taken the risk to tell her? BUT she does love me, in her own way. Do I choose to accept this? Not at all, my own stubborn prison of anger, resentment, hurt and sadness blinds me to anything being offered; I just don’t see it.
Having shared this feeling of loss and abandonment with my clients we all felt we had created a black void inside of us that needed filling. I call this our black box. The deepest pain that surfaced was the repetitive voice of, “I am not worth it’ which had lingered with me for most of my life and filled my black box.
A few tips here on the process I used to start to fill my box from within me:
• The very first step is to love yourself – start with liking and valuing yourself, you just have to understand this not even do it quite yet, but you will then be able to empathise with others. Right now you can sit there and just feel gratitude for what you have around you, then put pen to paper and write all the amazing things about you. You don’t have to believe them just yet, just understand that you are focusing on YOU.
• Look at your circumstances from an aerial view – take a much bigger photograph of the whole situation, do this without self-pity without you playing the victim anymore, do not feel sorry for yourself. You’ve had enough of that way of painful thinking. You have a choice how you see yourself – just accept the situation for what it is.
• For one moment try and see it from the other person’s point of view…..maybe they don’t know how to give you what you want, maybe they know no other way of behaving, maybe they don’t know what it is you want, just maybe they are stuck in their cycle of destructive behavior which they aren’t ready to change and perhaps they have their own belief patterns that they are living by? Who knows….but just accept it for what it is.
• Now, back to that black empty box and how we can fill this. When you were a little girl you did a good job of filling this box up and feeling good, as adults we lose this ability and look outside of ourselves to fill up the black box. Others can support and help you fill the box but ultimately you need to fill it yourself. Think back to what you loved doing as a child, bring more play into your life, repeat daily positive affirmations, reward yourself, exercise and start putting you first as it is a self-less act. What you focus on you get more of.
These are only tips and they won’t change your life but I hope they just get you thinking that tiny bit that there is a new way, there is a different way of living and you don’t have to fee unloved – you have a choice.
This isn’t easy but so worth it….learning to love yourself, love that inner child takes time, you become vulnerable and exposed – but these very tools will allow you to be loved and to love others.
Are you feeling unloved right now? Don’t feel alone, we are here for you, I know how you feel?