I’ve had the privilege of speaking with some wonderful ladies in my fabulous Facebook group who have also made the courageous step in working with me this month. One thing that came across in a very strong way was how hard it was to post a message, make the call and accept they couldn’t figure it out alone.
Because writing that post, instigating that PM message, putting together an email and requesting a Skype call was really hard for these ladies to do – they showed COURAGE – a huge sign of strength.
I am so with you ladies and resonate in every way. All of you this week mirrored me at some stage of my life.
• I was brought up to be tough, get on with it, be strong and do it by yourself…..asking others was a sign of weakness
• My mother was a huge martyr, working every hour of the day, accepting nothing from anyone else, it had to be her way and I adopted this.
• Everyone always assumed I was a marvellous coper, (and that’s the image I wanted) I had 3 little kids I managed with a husband away for up to 6 months at a time, I’ve moved abroad, had numerous health difficulties, dealt with my seriously alcoholic sister…I could go on & on but the point is I thought I had to do all of this alone.
• I spent months trying to work out a trading system by myself in the financial markets and it wasn’t until I reached out, joined a team, and learnt their system that my account started to grow.
• I spent most of my life trying to heal the relationship with my mother, failing miserably until I made the decision to ask for help. I didn’t know what to do ….now is that a sign of weakness to ask for help from someone who does?
Why is it so hard to ask for help, why do we feel helpless and weak asking for help then full of shame if we do decide to?
When we are children we are naturally need help. It is a child’s normal state of being to be in need of their parents for emotional, mental and physical support.
Unfortunately, if we have a parent or parents that have wounded inner children themselves, the parent has not yet learned how to fulfill their own needs, thereby putting them at the mercy of their own needy inner child.
When they are trying to soothe their own needy inner child, and their physical child comes to them with neediness, they can get annoyed, overwhelmed and express themselves in a way that makes the actual child feel ashamed for wanting help… which is their natural state and they actually don’t know any other way to be.
This child then grows up to feel ashamed ANY time they feel they need to ask for help… if they need someone’s help to sort a computer issue out, if they need a hug, if they need to chat to someone about what’s bothering them, if they need an answer to a problem they don’t have, if they need a guide to walk them through a particularly challenging time… all of these times (and more) create a feeling of shame and guilt.
Then we wonder why there is such a stigma against getting help… THIS is why. We were trained from an early age to be ashamed for asking for help.
Knowing that this is happening is the first step to recovery. Learning how to ask for help is the next step to recovery. Releasing shame for asking for help is the third and final step.
Why do it alone, humans are not designed to be alone, we crave loving relationships, human contact, to love and to be loved. And if there are things that we can’t work out alone why do we see that as a weakness to ask someone who might have more knowledge in that area? It’s purely our perception, it’s our paradigm, our belief, our pattern that clouds our vision of what we truly want. Much of the time, it is the way we are brought up.
Walt Disney, Richard Branson & Oprah Winfrey are a few names who have always asked for help, collaborated….their motto is why reinvent the wheel, why not ask someone else who does what you want to do. They didn’t work it all out for themselves.
Ask yourself some questions…
• Are you shying away from asking for help because you may be seen as weak? Sadly, it’s at this moment people who need it most often withdraw into themselves.
• Is it your fear getting in the way?
• Fear of appearing too needy?
• Fear of overstepping the mark with a friendship?
• Fear of people finding out your struggle?
• Fear of people realising we actually aren’t holding it all together?
When you don’t ask for help you actually deprive people of helping you (who would actually love to assist) and you make an assumption that you have to do it all alone as no one would even want to help you.
Facing the real truth – we don’t have to do it all alone – that’s only our perception and it could be destroying us slowly inside. We can all do so much more together than we ever can alone. So rather than being that ‘strong’ person we are so desperate to be perceived as reach out and ask for help – don’t let fear get the better of you and deprive others of showing you how much they care and have to offer you.
Are you going to make that step today?
Is there someone you are wanting to reach out to and struggling with? We’re here to help you, don’t be alone.