I hear this so often, in fact almost every day I hear these words ….. ‘I feel judged’.
There was a time in my life, not so long ago where I felt that people judged me for just about anything I did or said which left me feeling totally powerless and insecure.
Although I knew I shouldn’t need to justify myself to others every move I took, I did just this which often led to resentment, aggression and upset. What I really needed to do was forgive myself but I didn’t know this at the time.
I was really good at finding my own faults and feeling judged by other people but once I started my healing process I saw this in a different light.
Sadly, my younger sister is a very serious alcoholic and has been destroying her life for almost 20 years now. This breaks my heart and we have tried everything as a family to help her, but her wounds are too deep and this is her journey so I am learning to love her for who she is and not what she does – she is still my little sister.
My mother cannot accept that her daughter behaves in this way and blames me for moving to Dubai and not staying in the UK to support my family. My mother doesn’t want anyone, least of all her friends, to know about her daughter, for fear of feeling judged, embarrassed and a failure as a Mum. This was me for a while, always thinking what people would think of me, always fearing what others might say or gossip about me.
Since starting my healing journey, I learned that it was okay to speak up about my sister, to share my pain and to tell the truth. Yes, it hurts and people are entitled to their opinions but it’s also brought about a wealth of kindness, understanding, and led me to become professionally qualified to help people with addictions. I no longer let the fear of being judged stand in my way. Knowing you are being true to yourself is the absolute key to happiness.
The mask comes off.
Gently I am helping Mum come to terms with that fact that it isn’t about her, it makes Mum no less of a person because of her daughter’s mental illness and pain and slowly Mum is beginning to feel more at peace inside herself and not desperately trying and keep this from the world.
I have heaps of stories I could tell you about my fear of being judged and what happens when you let go of this fear.
Today I often see this in my clients and I know how painful feeling judged can be and how negatively it affects all areas of your life whether that be relationships with your partner, children, parents, siblings, friends, work colleagues or your health.
Most of the time the judgments were in my head even though I am sure sometimes they might have been real – either way I had this continual feeling that people judged me. So I decided to put together a few pointers for you all as letting go of the feeling has been incredibly liberating, given me so much free mind space, energy, positive vibes and given such a massive boost to me self-worth it’s been incredible.
1. Look inside of you – you are the only person who knows the real truth about you, you know if you’re really a kind person, overweight, not trustworthy, angry……but you also don’t need to give others your opinion. This is your stuff to work on if you’re not happy with it. Having this understanding will give you knowledge which is power.
2. Are you the one judging yourself? If so, you need to be aware of the inner critic always beating yourself up and start releasing these negative beliefs, are they even yours or ones that have been ‘projected onto you from childhood? YOU are the person holding you back, no one else. So at this stage, we need to be really clear on why you criticise yourself, why you judge yourself like this, who did you learn this from? When this is clear you can then be ‘kind’ to this inner critic and now show compassion to yourself, change the language and watch what happens.
3. Ask yourself why you are being judged? This is a very interesting question as people who judge others often feel threated and this is a coping mechanism they use to make themselves feel better. If someone hates the way they look they might ‘put you down’ as it makes them feel better, this all stems from their jealousy. If you feel this is happening in your life the quickest way to stop the spiral of this is to let it go and don’t continue the conversation, change the subject.
4. Don’t feel pressured into changing your opinions for someone else if you don’t agree or they don’t understand, stand by your beliefs, learning to trust yourself is invaluable.
5. Let other’s opinions go…..if you find yourself going over and over the same negative response you’ll make it into something much bigger and far worse for yourself in the long run and that person has probably not given it a second glance. Turn this negative around and refocus on what positives you have. Writing really helps with this as we gain clarity.
6. Stop trying to be perfect and eradicating any chance of being of being judged, (it’s too exhausting and it doesn’t work). Instead focus on what matters to you, what your values are, your happiness and your own success. All successful people have been judged at some point in their lives so it’s not something we can avoid but we do have a choice – to stay stuck and continue people passing or to move swiftly on focusing on what is important to us despite the judgment.
7. Forgiving myself and showing compassion are two of the things that have set me free on my journey to wholeness. Feeling anger and resentment toward others and myself only destroyed me so I learned to accept and forgive. This stopped the loop of negative thoughts so I was then able to feel compassion towards that person and kindness. Regardless of what that person has said or done, they deserve kindness.
What I have learned and continue to learn is the energy you put out into the world is ultimately the energy you get back, so it’s your responsibility to do what you can within your power………..work on shifting your own energy into a positive one and watch the real you unfold.
If you are feeling judged like I once was, I’d so love to hear from you.❤️