I’m only trying to Help: I’m NOT your Mother

Have you heard this before? Has anyone mentioned this to you, perhaps your partner or husband? Regardless of how close you feel to your mother, this relationship will affect every relationship you have in your life – it is that crucial so it is something we cannot ignore. Maybe you treat her as your best friend, perhaps you keep her at arm’s length to protect your independence or are you in complete turmoil suffering a destructive relationship like I was for most of my life.
My mother was very controlling; finding it difficult to let go of me, let me explore possibilities and take risks; so I felt totally suffocated. Later in life what started to happen was if anyone close to me tried to help me with something I would act irrationally and fly off the handle whilst Ian, my husband would say, ‘I’m not your mother, I’m only trying to help’.
These words were a light bulb moment for me; this has nothing to do with HIM and everything to do with my childhood feelings of feeling powerless. I was projecting my feelings onto him and this is just one tiny example of how many feelings from my relationship with my mother were still very much alive.
Being aware of where your feelings and behaviours are coming from is a great step forward because you at least know what you are dealing with. It becomes especially prominent when you have children yourself and you act strongly in the opposite direction. If you had a very strict childhood and were highly criticised then you might become very relaxed with your own children. This too will also impact your child’s self-esteem so you need to be aware of this and find some middle ground.
Just being aware of your behaviours you will perhaps start to see a link back to your mother-daughter relationship and understand that just maybe you aren’t being true to yourself and actually living a pattern that isn’t helping you. You are reacting the way you are today because of old entrenched paradigms that stemmed from your childhood.
The great news is that you can change these and the relationship you have with your mother by embarking on your own personal journey of change.
Having suffered from such a destructive relationship with my mother since I was around 15 years old and been told she didn’t love me and would never change, which greatly impacted on my eldest daughter as well, I embarked on a journey of ‘self-healing’. Without one conversation with either of them, I totally transformed these relationships into the deep, loving relationships I enjoy today.
You too can do this and I share a few of the tips below that really helped me on my own personal journey.
Start your healing journey TODAY.
1. STOP TRYING to – make things work, make things better, please your mother, say the ‘right’ things, ‘do’ the ‘right’ things, as it doesn’t, work. You may have been trying this for years and feel even more disappointed.
2. Have NO EXPECTATION from your mother – when you phone her do not expect her to respond in a certain way, do not expect her to be happy for you, hug you, cheer you on or be interested in anything you have to say. When you stop the expectation you also protect yourself from being disappointed.
3. Understand that you DO NOT NEED anything from your mother – YOU ARE ENOUGH. You really do not need her affection, her praise, her validation, her approval or her love because you are enough.
4. The HEALING is all about YOU. For perhaps the first time in your life put yourself first, which means taking time for you, meeting your needs, meeting your own expectations, making you feel good. You’ve probably even forgotten how to do this after all of these years.
5. The healing process is one of acceptance of whom you are, letting go of the lack of need for your mother’s love in any form, re-writing the perspective of your past and finally the FORGIVENESS for both you and your mother.
We all deserve a life of peace and fulfilment – we all have a choice in life, will you be the one to make that change? What are you waiting for? Miracles aren’t out there – you create them! I wish you all the best.
I invite you to try my Mother-Daughter Quiz so you can see where you are in your relationship today – Click Here to try the quiz