How I Changed My Marriage Without One Conversation With My Husband
Having been happily married for 28 years how does it get better from not even consciously trying? This bit of my healing journey has blown my mind. For most of my life, I suffered from a destructive, toxic relationship with my mother, which in turn affected the relationship with my eldest daughter. The words from my mother’s lips, ‘I don’t love you and I will never change’ became the catalyst for me to seriously change my life.
And that’s what I did; I took the bull by the horns, accepted I didn’t need my mother’s, love, praise, hugs or validation, I was enough by myself. Through this acceptance, this self-love, this healing I shared very little of my journey with my husband, it wasn’t about him and he wouldn’t understand anyway. There are many things he can’t grasp, PMT for example – how can a man know what it’s like to feel out of control at ‘that time of the month’.
As I began to love myself and form a new loving relationship with my mother, unbeknown to me my relationship with my husband was deepening and going to a new level. A level where we have such a knowing about each other life in many ways has become so much simpler.
The confirmation to me is here in the action. For years my husband has had argument after argument with my mother to defend me in many ways and as a consequence to this, he’s had little to do with her. Since developing a newfound loving relationship with Mum for the past two years I have been away with Mum and Dad on a little holiday and we are going again this summer. Totally out of the blue Ian asked if he could join us this year. This is a real miracle as it speaks volumes, especially as his holiday entitlement is limited – he seriously wants to spend it with us?
I’m still on my journey and it just gets better and better as I continue to love and nurture myself I have so much more to give. I have a love tank, I know how to fill my tank up with self-worth, self-esteem, confidence, peace and happiness so I can give this to Ian, not come from that place of lack and need.
If you’re struggling with your relationship take a look here at a few of the tips that might just help you today with your partner/husband –
- How you imagine your husband in your mind will be the best he will ever be – think about this and let it sink in. Have a picture in your mind of how you WANT your husband/partner to be – make it very clear and you will find yourself ‘seeing’ the positive side in things and not homing in on his negatives.
- It’s all about you and not him – when a thought comes to mind ‘I’ll be happy when he……’ what you’re really saying is, ‘I won’t be happy until he does…’. You are placing your happiness outside of you and outside of your control. This is so destructive to your relationship – trying to change someone you can’t. Here’s the answer – ‘choose to change how you react to him.’ Start changing your life if you’re not happy, not insisting he becomes someone else. You will be so much happier.
- Are you just drifting? Have you stopped doing things together? Just as you drift together you will start to drift apart as time goes on. Start doing things together, household chores, hobbies, sports, coffee, walks, plan future goals and try something new. I find so many couples stop doing things together as soon as they get married but this is vital to keep this closeness.
- Your partner comes before the kids – he will be around a lot longer than they will. Now you have children it means your relationship is even more important as your little ones are counting on you as well. Children grow best in a stable environment and that comes with having a solid relationship so make it key that you don’t lose sight of his needs amongst the children’s pleas. This message was a lifesaver for me.
- Think your way to a better marriage. When your husband/partner annoys you don’t start spiralling down into the usual negative pattern of thinking ‘he’s hopeless’, bring to mind something positive about him, one specific thing. You are forming a new habit, a new way of thinking – positive brainwashing!
No-one is perfect or ever will be, so don’t look for perfection. Think of the positives in your partner, build a great picture of him in your mind; refocus on yourself building you up, fulfilling your needs, and forget changing anyone but yourself and miracles will start to happen. That, I can promise you.
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